Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Randomize
