my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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