God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
