dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
