I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
