Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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