insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
sarcasm needs its own font
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
