I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
