he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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