If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
