apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
