8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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