you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
