I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
