Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
