when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
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