seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
The ass gains better be worth it
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
