So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
