the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Randomize
