He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
