I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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