I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
