Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
