Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Randomize
