I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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