i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
