At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
