If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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