I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
