I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
