Christians are straight up FREAKS
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
