Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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