whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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