I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
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