Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
