hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
