Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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