I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
