I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
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