Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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