xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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