FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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