well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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