who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
