You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
