i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
