i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
