Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
