I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Randomize
