Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
