I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
