Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
